An open, closed message.   From what it looks like to me, you've got a substance abuse problem.  I suspect alcohol.  Find an AA meeting that you find congenial, there are literally scores of them in your city, I checked.  The long term effects of alcoholism are not worth the cost of refusing to swallow your pride.  Swallowing your pride won't kill you, the alcohol will.   You've already accepted that molecule as a higher power and it is ruining your life.